"Mommy," Madison choked. "I think I'm gonna throw up." Come here, dear. Let me take you to the bathroom," Jess lifted Madisonup and helped walk her to the bathroom.I buried my face in the couch cushion and cried. Thoughts were runningthrough my heads a thousand times per second. Had the spell worn offalready? Am I just now truly grasping that this is going to be my bodyfor the rest of my life? Or is it just my hormones acting up? I can'teven tell what thoughts are real anymore. I'm questioning every littlething that pops into my head. O.K. Maddie, think. Think, think, think.I've got it! I'll ask myself a list of questions and answers themaccordingly.Alright, number 1. Am I happy being Madison? Well, yeah. It's not so badI don't LOVE the idea like I did yesterday but then again yesterday I wasdrunk out of my gord.Number 2. Do I want to go back to being Ryan? What kind of question isthat? Of course I do! I mean, I love my old life. I'm an adult! I can dowhatever I want, I have a job,. It was who he was, and he embraced that. I went to visit Roy the very next weekend. He didn’t live very far from where I did, which at that point was on Craig’s sofa. I told Roy all about the urges and fantasies I’d been having on and off since I was fifteen. I told him about the girlfriend’s I had and that, while I was happy with them, I still had urges and I was attracted to men. “So I guess what I’m trying to tell you is, I’m gay,” I said. There was a long, drawn out silence, which just added to my unease and nervousness. Roy just stared at me long and hard, scrutinizing me. “You’re not gay,” he finally said. “What?” I questioned, outraged that of all the people he would reject me and my coming out. “Yes I am,” I stated, trying to make it seem more concrete and definite. “Lewis, you’re not gay,” said Roy. “You’re bisexual, or in the very least bi-curious.” Bisexual ? I thought. Bisexual . This was the first time I had put a real label on myself, and it seemed to fit. Gay just.
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